L’s World

{March 2, 2008}   Insomnia is Normal



It’s 4:17 P.M. Central time and I just woke up.

I feel so tired sleeping. My back hurts.

They say that you’ll feel rested and relaxed after sleeping – NOT!!!
I guess it’s because of too much sleep. And I remember, everything that is taken in excess is not good.
Sleeping at 6 A.M. and waking up at 4:17 P.M. – that means I had 10 hours of sleep – is that excessive?
Dozing off is better that doing nothing besides I have sleep problems – others call it insomnia. I call it normal.

What if I really can’t sleep at night? What if even with the help of sleep aids I can’t fall asleep? What if this is normal for me? What if daytime is sleeptime for me and nightime is my real time? Isn’t that normal, too?

I am a nocturnal creature. I love the night. I love the quiet and peaceful sound and feel of the night. While all others are sleeping, the world is mine. While all the others are dreaming, I am facing reality.

According to medterms.com, Insomnia: The perception or complaint of inadequate or poor-quality sleep because of one or more of the following: difficulty falling asleep; waking up frequently during the night with difficulty returning to sleep; waking up too early in the morning; or unrefreshing sleep. Insomnia is not defined by the number of hours of sleep a person gets or how long it takes to fall asleep. Individuals vary normally in their need for, and their satisfaction with, sleep. Insomnia may cause problems during the day, such as tiredness, a lack of energy, difficulty concentrating, and irritability.

Also, according to that website, the causes of insomnia include advanced age – insomnia occurs more frequently in those age over 60. It is also more prevalent in the female gender. It is also caused by a history of depression. In other conditions such as stress, anxiety, a medical problem, or the use of certain medications, insomnia is more likely.

There are many causes of insomnia. Transient and intermittent insomnia generally occur in people who are temporarily experiencing one or more of the following: stress, environmental noise, extreme temperatures, a change in the surrounding environment, sleep/wake schedule problems such as those due to jet lag, or medication side effectsI do not have insomnia – or that’s what I believe. First, I have adequate sleep – 10 hours everyday. I do not have difficulty falling asleep. I just chose to be awake and do stuff at night. There are a lot of things I can do at night. I can write, read and watch my favorite anime shows without anybody disturbing me. Nightime is the best time to contemplate and meditate.How can I have insomnia if I’m not over the age of 60? I do not have a history of depression and I am not stressed. I do not even have a medical condition and I do not have regular medications not unless you call Ferrous Sulfate a regular medication. I am not under stress, my environment is so peaceful and the temperature here in Texas is splendid. No jetlags either. The last time I got on the plane was last January 4, 2008 when my boyfriend and I moved here from California. Will that cause me insomnia?

Oh well, insomnia or not, I believe that sleeping during the day and being awake at night is not a disease. Sleeping is a choice. Choosing to sleep at daytime is normal. It’s not insomnia. It’s a choice. It is normal. I am normal.

 Feb 15 08

{March 2, 2008}   Fight


It’s a miracle. I woke up early today. I already finished my errands and is about to eat – if I decide I want to eat with my boyfriend. He cooked breakfast/lunch for us.After waking up at 8:30 A.M., we went to Valero and bought money order to be sent as payment for our purchase in California. We proceeded to the post office at Panther Creek. We were confused on how to go about sending a priority mail via USPS. We are used to sending parcels via private companies like Fedex and UPS. They just pick up the mail or we bring them in their branch and voila, they do everything for you. As for the USPS, we had to use the Automated Postage Machine, paid by credit card, place the envelope inside the priority mail envelope and drop it in the meter machine. I forgot to bring a pen so we ended up borrowing an old man’s pen. Our errands did not stop there. We went to Walmart and bought some veggies because Ate Mae is cooking nilaga for dinner. We also bought some seedless green grapes and strawberries – I just hope they’re sweet. When we were in the car heading back home, I asked my bf if he loves me. I always do that. He said “not right now while I’m driving.” I did not like how that sounded. So I said, “oh, so you have a switch for loving me.” He said “not like that. I’m not like you who loves me 24/7. I can’t do that. I’m not showy.”im
I got angry. I do not expect him to give me kisses and hugd 24/7. I do not require him to be always by my side 24/7. I believe that if you love someone you will love him/her 24/7. It will never disappear. It is always in your heart. There is no switch for love. You can’t love and then not love all in one day.

When we got home, I told him I’m not eating. Then here I am writing my heartache away.

I don’t care if I’m hungry and my stomach’s acids are surging. I am really angry and this is my way of showing him I’m pissed – hunger strike.

Fights are inevitable but it would be great and better if there are no fights. I don’t like fights. It sucks out the life in me. I feel so drained and empty whenever we fight.

I hate him right now. So, there goes my switch!

{March 2, 2008}   Trust


 I cried from 5:00 PM to 6:30 PM today. It was because of my sister-in-law-to-be’s words. Our household who is composed of Ate Mae, her gf Katherine, my bf and I decided to have catfish and fried-shrimp butterflies for dinner. My bf, TJ will be the one to cook.

When I woke up at 1:00 PM, I took the catfish out from the freezer so it can thaw. I saw that the shrimps were already out – and unfrozen. I’ve decided to take a shower. After taking a shower, I went downstairs and took the dried dishes to their proper place. Then Katherine arrived at 2:30 PM. She went to their room and took a nap.

Charmed was showing on TV. I watched Charmed while eating potato chips and coca cola. After 2 episodes, TJ got home. He decided to start on the shrips. He peeled them off and deveined them – he showed me how to do it since I do not know how to devein shrimps. After showing me how to do it with 2 shrimps, I’ve decided to play Pet Salon on the pc.A pc was connected to the plasma TV we have so I can play/surf the internet with the big plasma screen as my monitor. It was cool.

Ate Mae arrived at 4:30 PM. She saw TJ preparing the shrimps by himself. She asked why was TJ doing it all alone. I told him that he already showed me how and that TJ wanted to prepare the shrimps himself. After preparing the shrimps, TJ saw that the catfish were still frozen in the vacuum sealed pack. Ate Mae asked what time we got it out. I told her around 1 PM. She said that is impossible because it’s still frozen. She kept yakking out “i-can’t-do-everything-in-this-house”. I told her that I really took it out at 1 PM before taking a shower. I even told her that those things were already on the sink when Katherine arrived at 2:30 PM. She did not listen. She kept on talking and yakking. Then she said “I’m in a bad mood.” She went out of the house to smoke.

That was it… I turned the TV and pc off. I told TJ that I am going in our room.

As soon as the door closed, my tears came falling. It was like a flash flood. I can’t stop the tears from falling.

I opened the laptop and logged-in at friendster. I’ve decided to stay at my brother’s place in Seattle. So I messaged my brother. My message said: 
                          Kuya, can I stay at your place ASAP? I don’t want to stay here anymore. I am tired and I am slowly dying.
I know that will make my brother panicky. My brother kept telling me to stay with him at Seattle because we’re family – that I don’t have to stay with my bf’s family – that I do not have to keep up with other people and suffer. I did not listen to him. I followed my heart. Now, I am beaten and bruised.

TJ followed me and saw me writing my brother. He hugged me and said to let it go. I told him I can’t. It’s too hard to let it go. I told my bf that I asked my brother if I can stay with him and if he said yes, nothing my bf can do or say will make me stay. TJ said it was unfair.

I know it was unfair. I could endure other pain of problems but an indirect saying that one does not trust me/believe me, I cannot take. I told him that I did not decide to stay with him just to put-up with his sister or with his family. I said his family is despicable. I have not met any worse than his family.

TJ asked me to be patient and give him some more time. He said we will move out of the house by March. I told him that I cannot wait and endure that long. I cannot stay without dying even just for another day. I asked him to pity me and have mercy on me.

It was not that I don’t love TJ. It’s just that I can’t stand his family. He said I was unfair. I told him I knew I am but I don’t care anymore.

TJ had to go back in the kitchen to finish cooking. I stayed in the room. I told him I will not go down to eat – and I do not want to see his sister. TJ understood.

After 3 nminutes, I heard a knock on the door. It was Ate Mae. She asked if I was alright and if we can talk. I told her I am fine and we can talk.

She said she was wrong for not believing me and apologized for it. It was just her experience that catfish won’t be frozen that long. She thought I lied to her and she did not want to be lied to.

I told her I am sorry for being sensitive. I just did not want people to indirectly imply that I was lying. I felt bad because I know I told the truth but she did not believe me.

She said she was sorry for not trusting me that moment.

I told her, “you must trust people more often… it’s a nice feeling not to be so wary all the time.”

Then we hugged. We’ve decided to bury it and forget about it.

What I’ve learned from today’s encounter is that it’s nice if we hear people give them the benefit of a doubt. If you know a lot of people who have lied to you, it doesn’t mean all will. It is true that you may be deceived if you trust too much but you will live in torment if you don’t trust enough. If you are all the time thinking that everyone is lying and if you mistrust all the time, every waking moment of your life will be sad. You will not be able to sleep peacefully at night coz you may think that your partner or someone else is plotting against you right at that very moment.

According to Samuel Johnson,  “it is better to suffer wrong than to do it, and happier to be sometimes cheated than not to trust.”  It is okay to give other people a chance – a chance to show that they can be trusted. But not giving anyone a chance at all, that is torture to yourself.I believe what Walter Anderson said — that we’re never vulnerable when we trust someone but if we cannot trust, we can never find love and joy.

Trust is the basic ingredient to all types of connections and relationships. You must trust and believe in people or life becomes impossible. It is impossible to go through life without trust — that is to be imprisoned in the worst cell of all, oneself.

Feb 23 08

{March 2, 2008}   Forbidden Love

forbidden 2Hanyesul

I just finished watching one Korean Drama series – Forbidden Love.  It is a tragedy so I ended up feeling sad. But the plot was fine. It is not a cheesy love story.Shi Yeon is a Nine-Tailed Fox living undercover in the human world. By day, Shi Yeon is an employee at a natural history museum. By night, she’s a top-ranking woman warrior in the Nine-Tailed Fox clan, charged with preserving the delicate balance between man and fox.

Her world is sent spinning when an atrocious serial murder – where the victims have had their internal organs gouged out – is uncovered.

Detective Min Woo believes the murders may relate to the organ trafficking trade, and goes undercover in a seedy organ smuggling ring. Min Woo’s cover is blown, and it’s only through the intervention Nine-Tailed Fox warrior Mu Young and Shi Yeon that he’s able to survive!

But he’s seen their true identities as Nine-Tailed Foxes…

Chae (another fox warrior) loves Mu Young who loves Shi Yeon who loves Min Woo. It’s really a roller-coaster with all the twists and turns in the plot. I was also surprised to find out that Mu Young’s mother was the culprit.

If you want to watch the whole series, it is available in video streaming at crunchyroll.com.

{March 2, 2008}   IF I FELL


 Me: If I fell in love with you, would you promise to be true and help me understand?

A: Yes, dearest.

Me: I’ve been in love before and I found that love is more than just holding hands, would you promise to be with me forever?

A: Yes, dearest. Forever.

Me:  If I give my heart to you, I must be sure from the very start that you would love me more than her.

A: I love you more than her, dearest.

Me:  If I trust in you, please, don’t run and hide.

A: I will always be where you want me to.

Me:  If I love you, too, please,don’t hurt my pride like her cause I couldn’t stand the pain and I would be sad if our new love was in vain.

A: I would do anything to hurt you.

Me: So I hope you see that I would love you and that she would cry when she learns that we are two cause I could not stand the pain.

A: Her and I are over. You’re my only love now.

after 4 years…

Me: Where are you?

A: I am with her.

Me: I am so in love with you.

A: I could not stand to see her cry.

Me: What about me?

A: You will manage. You are a strong woman.

Me: If I fell in love with you, I’m sorry.

A: You should not be. It was great loving you.

Me: If I fell in love with you, would you promise to be true and help me understand?

B: Yes, sweetheart.

Me: I don’t believe you or anyone. I fell, I bruised, I hurt, I cried, I am standing now and will never fall in love again. No more “If I fell’s…”

written: month of August – @ 22 years old 

et cetera